It Isn't Easy
by Babybee61
Summary: Arthur has gone away, to fight a war that may never be won, leaving Guinevere in charge of Camelot. But how will she cope when she has to take on a whole different set of duties, without her husband or friends to help her on the way... First Merlin fic!
1. Chapter 1

"Goodbye Guinevere," Arthur whispered in my ear, as he pulled me into a tight embrace. I didn't ever want to let go of him. I didn't want him to go. I wanted him to stay here with me. I had tried to memorize his face these past few weeks. Trying to cling onto anything that I could hang onto in these next few months. The courtyard was cold, the winter winds swirling around us, blowing the red cloaks that hung off of our shoulders around each other, not allowing anybody else to penetrate out goodbye.

"Goodbye Arthur," I managed to whisper, holding back the tears that were so insistent on escaping. His blonde hair was ruffling slightly in the breeze and mine was twirling in patterns around us. He looked me in the eyes, cupping my face in his hands.

"Remember to go to see Gaius, find out why you have been feeling dizzy and such." He said sternly. I nodded, I had been feeling tired lately, along with nauseous and dizzy. It had scared him, Arthur was worried about me and it was unusual because it was usually the other way around.

"Today, I promise," he smiled, though all I wanted to do was cry. He put his forehead against mine, trying to stay close to me, I suppose.

"I love you." He breathed.

"I love you too," I leant up and kissed him gently on the lips. We had already said goodbye officially last night, but I still needed him. "Just come back to me, to us," I urged, I needed him and Camelot needed its King.

"Will you still be here? How do I know that you are not going to run off with Sir Gawain into the sunset?" he joked.

"Because then I wouldn't be Queen anymore, and I have become accustomed to the lifestyle," I teased. He laughed, warming my arms with his hands.

"Sire?" One of the knights said, bringing us back to reality. There was a war and they needed men to fight in it.

"Yes, one minute," he growled. Not turning away from me. I stroked a stray wisp of hair away from his face.

"Go, we're going to be fine. Gawain, Owain, Leon, Gaius and I have everything under control. Now go!" I ordered. Looking away from his eyes. It was the first time that we had been apart for an indefinite period of time since our marriage, two years ago. It was hard for me and for him. But I was going to get through this.

"My Lady," he whispered.

Arthur kissed my hand and suddenly I was seeing him mount a horse, Merlin at his side, waving to me sadly, like he knew what was to come. He had his magic to protect Arthur and himself but what was going to happen to those left behind? I waved back half heartily, Arthur turned around, Merlin followed, and they were both surrounded by a 20 manned guard. Protecting them from attack, each wearing a red cloak emblazoned with the striking golden dragon on it.

I watched as they filed underneath the portcullis and away from Camelot. I sighed, turning to my personal guard, which Arthur had left to make sure nothing happened to his Queen, and smiled before turning to Leah, my handmaiden. She smiled at me, I nodded. Taking her hand as she led me up the stairs to the castle. She was more like my friend, than my servant. Much like I was friends with Morgana, before she left.

I often returned to her chambers when I was alone. Nobody occupied them these days. They had been barely touched since her departure 5 years ago. Uther had forbidden anybody to enter them, for fear of corruption. Although this ban had been lifted when Arthur became King. I remember seeing Uther; return from her chambers, eyes puffy and red. He missed her also, she was like the daughter that he had never had. He treated her like his own, and he saw her gift that she had been struggling with for so long, as the ultimate act of betrayal. Sentencing her to burn, but conveniently the guards outside the cell had been drugged on the eve of her execution, and she had escaped. Coming to say her goodbyes to me quickly before she left.

That was the last I had ever seen her. I felt sometimes she was near, on my wedding day, I thought I saw a green hooded figure lurking in the back of the chapel. I had never mentioned this to Arthur, for fear of going mad. I missed her terribly and when I went to visit her old bedroom, it made me think of a simpler time, when we were friends; there were no bad dreams and no men trouble. I was her maid and she was my mistress; I would give anything to be able to see her again. Especially now, seen as Arthur was gone and I was alone. But that could not happen; I didn't even know where she was.

"My Lady, are you well?" Leah asked, noticing my sudden silence.

"Yes, I just feel a little light headed," I explained, passing the room that we gathered court if there was a pressing issue that needed to be discussed. Everything seemed to remind me of Arthur. Where we had kissed, where we had to hide in the days of our courtship.

"My Lady?" I felt the steadiness of my balance leave me. The hall was spinning and I clutched onto Leah's arm. Everything was leaving me. I knew what was happening and I couldn't stop it.

OOOOOOOOOO

I came around in Gawain's arms. He was walking briskly through the courtyard and I could tell; towards Gaius quarters. I sighed. I had fainted, in the middle of the castle. This would start off rumours that I was weak from my separation from my Husband. I would not let those rumours come to pass.

"My Lady are you alright?" Gawain asked, smiling slightly as we entered the castle once more.

"I am fine Gawain. Honestly, but I did promise to see Gaius so I suppose you may continue in that direction." I leant in onto his chest.

"That and I was ordered by the King to make sure you went to see him, even if I had to drag you there myself," he muttered.

"What a fool that man is," I smiled, looking down at my left hand, where Igraine de bois' ring sat on my finger. Uther had given it to him when he had become crown prince of Camelot, so that he could propose to any noblewoman that he saw fit.

"I think he cares, that's all," he sniggered. He pushed open the door to Gaius' quarters. He was sitting by the window, looking in the distance. I suppose he could see the procession of soldiers heading towards the battlefield.

"Gwen? What happed?" he said snapping out of his revere.

"She fainted Gaius. Where do you want her?"

"Set her on the bed," Gawain put me on Gaius bed. I nodded at Gawain to leave us. He smiled then bowed. When we were alone Gaius sat on the edge of the bed.

"Hello Gaius, how are you coping?" I asked, taking his hand in mine.

"I am more worried about you. I hear you have been feeling dizzy a lot lately, as well as feeling nauseous and quite tired also. As that correct?" he smiled.

"Yes," I said slowly. "Did Arthur tell you?"

"Indeed," he looked at my face. "My lady, may I ask, if it is not too personal,"

"Of course, we have known each other for many years," he took a deep breath.

"When was the last time you bled?" he asked. I had to think about that. I had not gotten my period for a few weeks. It was late.

"I do not remember. Um...September I think. Why?" I asked, he nodded his head.

"Can you lift up your top so I can see your stomach please," he sighed. I did so warily. I knew that my dresses were getting a bit tight, but I was on a diet. Gaius nodded his head.

"You make put it back now my lady," I placed the silk fabric back onto my exposed stomach. "Also, have your breasts been tender lately?"

"Yes, yes they have. What is wrong with me Gaius?" I asked, trying to put together these things.

"My Lady, I feel I must tell you that," he smiled "I think you are with child," I gasped.

"With child? I am with child?" I smiled in spite of myself.

"Not with any child. You are with child, that will be the heir of Camelot," he laughed.

"I am going to be a mother?" I asked. Sitting up, Gaius nodded. "Arthur's going to be..." I paused. Arthur did not know that I was with child. He did not know he may be a father. "Arthur cannot know," I nodded my head.

"My Lady, you do not plan on telling the King that you have produced an heir?" he sounded incredulous.

"I do not want him to be worrying about me. Neither of us knows when they are going to be back home. And neither of us has had the best experience with child birth. Tell me Gaius, if I told him I was pregnant then what do you think that he would do?" I raised an eyebrow.

"He would come back home." He whispered.

"Exactly. He wouldn't let e do anything. Adding to the fact that his mother died in child birth, he is going to get a bit jumpy anyway. No, I have decided, he shall not find out until he returns, that way he cannot be distracted, thinking about me, nearly dying carrying his child." I said mainly to myself, I looked at Gaius, who looked a little bewildered. "I shall make everybody swear to keeping it a secret, including you Gaius. Is that understood?" I said, the Queen coming out in me.

"Yes My Lady." He nodded. I smiled. I was pregnant, with Arthur Pendragon's child, and he might never know, if he didn't come home.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Merry Christmas everybody! Here's your Christmas present!**_

_**AGAGAGAGAG**_

I closed the doors to Gaius' chambers before leaning on the wooden frame in surprise. I was going to be a mother. I was going to be a parent. I smiled and walked down the steps from Gaius' chambers. I was going to have a baby, and he was going to look just like his daddy. Have his hair and his eyes. But not be as arrogant. I placed my hand to my stomach, trying to get to meet my baby, something that belonged to both me and Arthur.

A little person. A baby. I beamed. Arthur was going to come home to his wife and baby. He was going to. I had to have faith in him, like I always have and always will. The baby was going to be a boy, I could feel it. A little boy. Not that it mattered to me; as long as he was healthy I couldn't care less if it was a boy or girl. But I know Arthur would want a boy. I sighed as I entered the courtyard; I was met by a throng of Knights and Leah.

"My Lady? Are you quite alright?" she ran up to me, I hugged her tightly, still smiling.

"Yes Leah, everything is fine. Everything is perfect, wonderful and beautiful." I looked at her. Leon and Gawain looked at each other, obviously thinking I was mad. "I need to gather the nobility and the knights. Meet me in the Throne room in 30 minutes," I instructed Leon.

"My Lady," he bowed then ran off with Gawain. I looked at Leah who was confused. I smiled at her warmly. "Come on Leah, I must tell you something," I pulled her tightly by the hand towards the castle.

We ran up the stairs and turned into the nearest room. This was the broom cupboard. It was dark in here and I could only just make out Leah's face.

"My Lady what is wrong?" she asked suspicious.

"Nothing is wrong. I had to tell you first!" I burst out.

"What is it My Lady?" she asked.

"I am with child!" I whispered excited.

"What? I cannot believe it. Oh, I am so happy for you!" we hugged, swaying on the spot. "Wait until the King finds out, he shall be so happy!"

"Well, let's not count our hens before they have hatched..." I looked at her. I patted her cheek lightly.

"We shall have to get you some new dresses; your old ones will be much too small." She laughed.

"Come now child, we must go."

"Is that why you called the meeting? How far along are you?" she beamed.

"Gaius thinks I am three months. I have been getting the symptoms for a few months and my stomach is not that swollen. He expects it to become a bit more noticeable in the next few weeks." I patted my stomach affectionately.

"I am so proud of you!" she smiled.

"Let's go," I laughed. "I cannot be late for my own meeting," we linked arms and walked out of the cupboard.

It was an unusual sight to some of the older members of court, seeing the queen and he servant on such close terms. Being more of a friend than a servant. Like history repeating itself, some said. It had only been a few hours and I already missed Arthur. But now I had to be strong now, for my child and for Camelot. I took a deep breath and entered the throne room. I looked at Arthur's empty throne, which made me gasp. I sighed; it was the first time that he wasn't going to occupy it. I moved silently towards the Throne on its left. Trying not to look at it.

I stared out in a daze as the various courtiers and knights entered the empty room. Leah stood at the side, smiling knowingly at me. There was Lady Pellinore and Lady Owain. As well as some of the nobility that I had not yet acquainted with. There was silence in the room. Only broken as Sir Galahad closed the doors. I nodded at him. He stood at the front with the rest of the Knights who had stayed behind to protect the Queen and the Country. I sighed. I stood up slowly. Greeted by a chorus of;

"My Lady," I acknowledged them with a wave of my hand. There was silence again.

"Ladies and Gentleman of court. I have called you all here to express my excitement and concern." There was still silence. This was the first time I had addressed them without Arthur by my side. I tapped my fingers together impatiently.

"I have to tell you, that as of this Morning. I am with Child," There were titters then a rapturous round of applause. I smiled, crossing my arms across my chest.

"Whilst this is indeed joyous news, and indeed mention for celebration; I must express my choice that the King must not find out about this," There were titters yet again.

"My Lady, if I may." Galahad asked. I nodded at him. "Why is it that the King must not find out? Will this not strengthen his chance of success in the battlefield? The fact that he has now got an heir to come home too as well as a wife?" There were mutters in agreement.

"You make a valid point Galahad. But on the flipside of that, it may weaken his mind. The fact that both of our mothers died in child birth do not help in these matters. It is said to run in families, and as it comes from both sides in our case he would be worried about losing his heir as well as me. Not to sound self centred you understand." I smiled. He nodded, "Also there is the fact that whilst he is making plans to invade or attack, he may not be able to focus on it. I feel that these are valid points for him not to know," I smiled.

"Yes my Lady," he bowed.

"I trust each and everyone in this room. I believe that you are both Loyal to Camelot and to the King and Queen. But where as I would normally ask on occasions such as this. I am going to insist on ordering this."I sighed, "Anybody who tells the King of our unborn child, and that I am carrying it. Anybody who tells him that I am with Child, or pregnant. Will be charged with Treason against the crown. Punishment to be decided at a later date," I commanded.

"Yes My Lady," they said yet again.

"But hear this. I can sense some doubt in this room already. Some already doubted my ability to rule because of my low birth. Some doubted my ability to rule because I am a woman. Whereas other's doubted me because I have merely been a pretty thing on the King's arm these past two years. Now some of you doubt me because not only am I of low birth, a woman or a trophy wife. I am now with child. This automatically makes me a higher protection priority. You know who you are in this room, and let me tell you, so do I. So believe me when I say this. I will not let having this Child affect my ability to be your Queen. I will fight until my dying day to ensure that Camelot is safe from the men who try to steal it from us."I paused to look around the room, all in awe of what I have said. "I am a Pendragon." Gaius smiled at me, I smiled back. "Meeting dismissed,"

I walked out of the throne room as men and women bowed or curtseyed as I passed.

_**AGAGAGAGAG**_

It was later now. It had been a busy afternoon. I had had a dress fitting with the royal dress maker, to prepare for my ballooning stomach. A very interesting meeting with the Knights; revealing that Arthur had devised a defence plan, should I ever fall pregnant.

Code Lavender it was called.

Arthur wanted 8 men around me round the clock to ensure the baby and I's protection. But seen as he was away and we had fewer knights it was put down to three Knights. Leon, Galahad and Gawain. What Arthur did not know would not hurt him. And I could defend myself.

I also had to endure the feast that was thrown in the honour of my fertility, and Camelot finally having another heir on the way. I had gone off wine recently so I had just drunk water. Before finally retiring to my chambers.

So here I am, standing outside my chambers, twiddling my thumbs, delaying returning to the cold empty chambers that was just for me alone now. Arthur was gone, and yet as I realised...I was not alone. The baby would not leave me. He was going to be my little soldier. I took a deep breath then opened the door. There was a bright fire burning to keep me warm. It seemed so big now that Arthur was not here to bustle around the room. I sighed, closing the door behind me.

"Hello My Lady," Leah appeared. I gasped again. "Sorry Milady. I apologize,"

"It is fine dear. Are you okay?"

"I am fine and Dandy Gwen. Just fine and dandy," she burst into laughter.

"Are you drunk Leah?" I asked, smiling.

"No, No!" she smiled again. She was drunk, bless her.

"Maybe you should go back home hun," I helped her stand up.

"Can I just say Gwen? I really admire what you're doing," she said in a serious tone.

"Which is?"

"You are going to raise your child. Keep it and raise it even though you may never see your Husband again. I wish I was courageous as you. Knowing that your one constant is gone. And pregnancy isn't easy. I should know, I have been through it. The swollen ankles, the back pain, the waking up in the middle of the night. Just joyous. I am so proud of you. Not many women could do that on her own," Leah laughed. I suddenly felt sad. Nothing I wasn't expecting but as I watched Leah stumble out of my chambers. I suddenly felt like nobody cared about me.

I changed into my nightgown all the while thinking about how I was alone. Gaius was my friend but how was he supposed to help me in this time? Arthur and Merlin were off fighting a war. My mother died when I was born, so I could not get help from her. Igraine was dead, how was I supposed to get help. Even Morgana, I missed her terribly. She had not got children but she would have been a comfort to me. I sighed. I was going to have to do this all on my own. I don't know if I can do that...

_**AGAGAGAGAG**_

_**Meanwhile, faraway...**_

She awoke sitting bolt upright, panting. Something she had not done in many years. This was not a good sign for the young witch and she knew it. The strange visions she had of a heavily pregnant woman fighting off a group of men, despite being the size of a house, she was wielding two swords at the same time. But she was cornered. Worse was, the pregnant woman was somebody the young witch had known long ago. And still missed to this day. Having not being able to say goodbye to her best friend.

"Morgana? Morgana what is wrong?" The young druid boy entered, though he was now a young man, and not the small boy that she had met.

"Nothing is wrong Mordred. Go and check that Morgause is ok will you?" she asked. He obeyed, and bowed lowly. She lay back on her pillows, not sleeping but thinking. The bracelet that Morgause had given to her all those years ago had kept the dreams away. This only meant one thing. Closing her eyes, the witch thought of the lie she had told the young druid. She knew that one day soon she would return to Camelot...


	3. Chapter 3

I will always remember that first morning I woke up without Arthur next to me. I felt the cold empty space that lay on my right hand side. There was no arm wrapped around me as I awoke, No chest to lie against, no legs wrapped between my own. No steady heartbeat to even my breath. No beautiful blue orbs to look into as he opened them for the first time that day. But that first day I awoke without him next to me, was the day I reminisced of the _first_ morning I woke up with Arthur next to me.

**AGAGAGAGAG**

_The sun was streaming in through the window brightly that morning. The birds were singing and chirping as the day began and the smell of food hung in the chambers around me. It took me a moment to realise where I was. _

_I could feel my neck was lying on a something too small to be a pillow, but soft enough to be one. I peered towards my left, a white hand, fingers pointing upwards sat there. A silver ring lay on his fourth finger. I smiled remembering whose arm I was lying on. I looked to my right; he was snoring lightly, which was better than his usual pig rendition, his chest rising and falling gently. He looked so peaceful as he dozed, dreaming pleasant dreams I hoped. I was not ready to leave the bed, not without him. So I snuggled into his chest, putting my left hand over his stomach, and my right against my own. I leant my head on his chest, hearing his heartbeat. He was warm, and his breath tickled as I felt it on my neck. I was again beginning to get sleepy, and I caught sight of my own wedding ring glinting in the sunlight. _

_I must have dozed off again because I woke up again. To the sound of a stirring Arthur, he was yawning and groaning. I yawned too, it was catching. I felt Arthur shifting his position. Turning on his side to face me, putting his right arm over my waist and gently moving his left from under my neck and intertwining it with my right hand. I put my left arm around his waist also. I smiled as opened his eyes. His bright blue irises met my own and he smiled too, even if he was a little drowsy; he managed to lean over and kiss me lightly on the lips. It was soft, but passionate pulling me closer as he did so. When we stopped, he was the first to speak. _

"_Good Morning Mrs. Pendragon," he smiled, I looked into his eyes. _

"_Good Morning Mr. Pendragon," I yawned, he laughed. _

"_You that tired?" Stroking my bare back. _

"_You know full well that we didn't get much sleep last night," I replied, remembering my wedding night and all it entailed. _

"_Oh yes, it was a good night," he replied, reliving his wedding night in his head. "Fancy a repeat?" he looked at me hopefully._

"_Maybe later...If you're lucky," I teased, though I had no objection to fulfilling my wifely duty then. "Camelot needs her King." He groaned. _

"_Funny you should say that. Leon and the other Knights are giving me the day off. It's their wedding present to us," he smirked._

"_Really? Oh well that does change things slightly." I felt his wedding ring on his finger and sighed. _

"_And we are both naked, so we wouldn't have to waste time removing our clothes," he tried to persuade me, pulling me gradually closer. _

"_Well you do make a valid point sire," I smiled. I could feel his heartbeat increase suddenly. _

"_So what is your verdict then my Queen?" he asked. I gently furthered my lips so that they were but an inch away. _

"_I am not the Queen," I breathed, he smiled. _

"_You are the Queen of my heart, and in two days you shall be the Queen of Camelot." He replied. I smiled at him before closing my eyes and kissing him. I could hear his heart beat increase as he manoeuvred himself so he was on top of me..._

**AGAGAGAGAG**

All that was just a memory to me now. Things were not going to be the same anymore. Though I had my baby with me; it wasn't the same as having a living breathing person lying next to you to keep you warm. And after Leah had enlightened me as to the ups and downs of parenthood, seen as she was one herself. I realised that I was going to be alone in bringing up the heir to Camelot if Arthur did not return.

A part of me wanted somebody to go and tell Arthur about the baby, so he would rush home and reprimand me for keeping it a secret from him in the first place. Then realising that I was having a baby he would be glad and we would kiss passionately as we always did, as he realised that I had provided a child for him.

But I knew that that would never come to pass. I had threatened the people with treason. They would not risk their heads to alert the King of his unborn child. That and I don't want to be responsible for the downfall of Camelot. I was just going to have to face up to the fact that I was going to have to raise this child on my own. Or at the very least deal with the pregnancy alone.

I wished that I was not alone; I had always envisaged being surrounded by my friends and family whilst I was with child. Or at least when I had had the babe. But not only was I in a position of isolation, and I knew that many people wanted me to fail; I was not going to let them see it through. I was Guinevere Pendragon and I would rather be burnt than give up.

With that thought, I threw myself from the bed and put my feet on the stone floor. I shuddered as I realised it was cold. I recoiled my toes, deliberating whether or not to wait for Leah to come and help me dress. I shook my head; I was stronger than that. I headed towards the wardrobe where my dresses were kept.

I now had to wear floaty things, to accommodate to my condition. I owned a few of them. But I would not be properly dressed until my maternity clothes were finished. My stomach was barely swelling as it was. But I could feel them growing. I was not in any discomfort, but I willed myself to stay strong. For Camelot, for my child and for myself.

I decided on a deep red dress that was always stretchy, so it would be fine for now. I smiled, Arthur always had like me in Red. Pendragon colours he said. I missed him terribly.

My attention was diverted as I heard somebody enter my chambers, and place something on my table. Bacon, I could smell...

"Good Morning My Lady," she looked towards my bed. She had an expression of confusion on her face. I coughed to acknowledge her of my presence. She looked at me, and smiled.

"Morning Leah. You look tired. Rough night?" She yawned.

"It's Charlotte, she's teething and will simply not go through the night without waking up bawling," she massaged her neck.

"I understand. Leah, why don't you just take the day off? You need your rest; I think I can manage without you for one day," I walked over to her, she shook her head.

"Gwen you are with Child, I cannot leave you on your own. How would I forgive myself if anything happened to you?" she pleaded.

"It's an order. Now go home and sleep," I patted her cheek softly. She smiled up at me gratefully and curtseyed as she left my quarters. I felt for Leah, I really did. Her husband died in a wave of sickness a few months ago; she had had to take on all the extra responsibilities to make more money. Though I had taken it upon myself to make sure that she would always have a place in the kingdom, it was not enough to be there through the nights when she was nursing her baby.

I moved briskly towards the doors. I had a busy day ahead of me; I had a knighthood to bestow, reviewing Camelot's defences around the kingdom, also I now had a trail of Knights following me around because of this child in my womb. Leon greeted me outside and he, Owain and Galahad smiled at me, before trailing after me inconspicuously. I wanted nothing more than to disappear, and go about my business whether I was with child or not. Like a peasant would.

That was one part of my old life that I missed. The privacy, the freedom to do anything that I wished, spontaneously. But now I was Queen, everything was planned in advance. No attention to detail would be spared. That and Arthur was an overprotective fool, I never got to do anything unless I had at least two guards around me. It was rather sad really. I longed for the days where I could merely stroll around the fields around Camelot, or even in the palace gardens. But sadly, now I could not.

I had bestowed many Knighthoods over the last couple of years, but it felt strange not to have somebody sitting behind me, smiling proudly. But now was not the time for dwelling in the past. It was time for looking forward to the future. To my little Pendragon. I touched my stomach affectionately, after leaving the throne room. Footsteps echoing off of the stones as my feet slowly went about their business.

**AGAGAGAGAG**

**Two weeks later...far, far away...**

"Morgana, I know what you are planning to do," Morgause told me, our arms linked as we walked about our castle. I feigned pretence.

"I do not know what you mean sister?" I smiled, looking out into the trees.

"Mordred told me about the dream you had. About your friend," She whispered, patting my hand.

"I do not have any friends, apart from you and Mordred, why would I ever need anyone else," I felt her gaze upon me.

"Guinevere, I think she is called?"

"Gwen. She prefers to be called Gwen," I defended her.

"She is the Queen of Camelot now,"

"What? Since when?"

"For two years now. She has been married to Arthur Pendragon for two years. They are the most popular monarchs since Arthur's grandparents. The people love her," Morgause did not sound kind. She sounded monotonous.

Gwen had gotten married to Arthur? She had never expressed an interest in Arthur before, but for him to take notice of her would have taken a lot. I felt betrayed as she had never told me this. But then again, this relationship could have developed after I had escaped Camelot. And I had been there on the day it had happened.

"Morgana?"

"Hm? I am sorry, just thinking," I replied, still not fully taking notice.

"She is carrying the Pendragon heir. She is also very lonely, she is quite vulnerable."

"Really,"

"I have seen the way you are when you think about her. You miss her terribly and you want to see her," I remained silent, "I know you went to her wedding Morgie, its ok,"

"She was like my sister Morgause, I just wanted to make sure she is happy," I sighed. I was missing her more lately, since I had that dream all that time ago. I wondered if she was ok.

"You can go and see her you know. You are not imprisoned here," We stopped walking.

"I know that, and I do plan on going to see her. But I am waiting for the right time. It is not the right time yet," I gazed out the windows, thinking of the former handmaiden...


	4. Chapter 4

"My Lady I am sorry, but it simply will not fit!" Leah sighed exasperated. She was pulling on the nightgown I was attempting to put on. I rolled my eyes, I knew it was not going to fit, I had noticed my clothes getting gradually tighter in the passing days. I had also developed an unusual craving to pears.

"It is fine, Go and fetch the golden pregnancy robe," I slipped out of the red nightgown which, I so loved. It was the same one that I wore when Arthur was last here and I clung to anything I possibly could when I thought of Arthur. It had been a month since he had left, and missed him more as the days went on, maybe it was just the hormones, but I was also getting lonelier and lonelier. Gaius was of small comfort, but I had none of my friends of my own age. The nights were getting colder now, and it was the winter solstice two nights ago. I had to pretend to enjoy myself, but all I thought about was Arthur, Merlin and on occasion Morgana.

"Here it is my Lady," I did not need to put it over my head; instead I just wrapped it round me and tightened the fastening over my now swollen stomach. I had begun showing and a definite round bump was protruding from me. A small one thought it may be, it was definitely there. People were beginning to notice.

"I wonder whether it is too early to put on my pregnancy wear." I exhaled, I had not wanted to start wearing it yet, it made me more noticeable.

"We shall start tomorrow," She tapped my cheek lightly. "Is there anything more you need My Lady?"

"No, no. Go home to that beautiful little girl of yours," I smiled.

"Thank you, My Lady," She did a low curtsey, and hurried out of the door. I was exasperated with fatigue. I just wanted to sleep, but I felt myself looking towards Arthur's wardrobe. I had not looked within it for over a month. I had not dared to. But I needed to know that he was indeed real, and not just a dream I had had despite the fact I was pregnant with his child.

I took a cautious step towards his cupboard, scared that I would fail. Scared that the ground would swallow me whole with any step I took towards it. But I carried on walking, knees trembling. It looked so threatening all of a sudden. When I reached the wooden doors, I grasped the handle, stoking it, he was the last person to have touched this, and a tear fell silently from my cheek. I was going to turn it, when there was an insistent knocking on the door. I immediately stopped what I was doing. For fear of what they would see. I wiped the tear clean away, and responded.

"Who is it?" I asked, trying to sound confident. Leon opened the door, expression unreadable.

"My lady, I am sorry to disturb you so late, but there is somebody who wants to see you," He poked his head around the door.

"Do not worry, I was just about to go to bed, you did not disturb me. But who is it who requires my presence?" I slumped into my chair, at the dining table.

"They say it is important," He answered gravely. I put my fingers on my temples.

"Ok, send them in," I answered.

"My Lady," He bowed. He disappeared from my view, but I heard him say, "She may see you," to the person outside. There was a mumbled response, and a raven haired man entered. I gasped. He now had a beard and looked like he had not had a wash in a couple of days but it was him.

"Merlin?" I pleaded with him and myself for it to be true.

"Gwen," He smiled roguishly. I clapped my hands to my mouth, it could not be him. Before he had left with Arthur, we had promised to each other that if anything happened to him, he would get away safely, and tell me himself. He could not be here, for that reason. Could he?

"What are you doing here? Is Arthur alright? Is he okay?" I was still sitting down.

"He's fine. He sent me here," he rubbed his beard slowly. Tears ran down my face as I got up and gave him a hug. He laughed like he used to. When he was but a serving boy to the King, not his most trusted advisor, as well as the court magician.

"Then it is good news indeed that you are here. I have missed you both." I looked in his blue eyes, that were so similar to Arthur's and I noticed a glint in them.

"We miss you too. Arthur keeps that pocket sized portrait that was commissioned of you under his pillow. Though don't tell him I told you." He laughed. Then something caught his eye. And it broke into a grin. "Gwen."

"Yes?" I was too happy to think of what he was saying.

"Are you pregnant?" he asked warily. My eyes widened slightly. I looked down at my slightly swollen stomach.

"Yes," I whispered. Putting my hand lightly on my stomach. Gesturing for Merlin to sit down opposite me, we kept Arthur's chair free, a sign of respect.

"It is Arthur's right?" He smiled. I laughed, and threw a roll at him.

"Of course it is! He is the only man I have ever been with," I stroked my bump affectionately.

"Then that is fantastic! How long have you known?" He poured some water out of the jug.

"About a month," I said lowly. He choked on his drink.

"A month? Gwen, it doesn't take a month to send word to the battle field. It only took us a week to get there."

"I have actually known for over a month, strictly speaking, I found out the day that you left for battle," I looked guiltily at him.

"Then you have no excuse then," He said coldly. "Why have you not told Arthur?" he demanded.

"I couldn't." Merlin looked incredulous. "Listen to me, Arthur has so much going on right now. The war, Camelot, the winter a head."

"But he cares about you _more_, you know that." He took a pear from the table.

"Think about it Merlin, he has always been protective of me. Since the dragon, I don't know even before that?"

"Oh hell yeah," he chuckled, interrupting me. "Sorry, carry on."

"Anyway. Childbirth is not the safest thing in the world. Considering the fact that both of our mothers are died in Childbirth, it gives me a higher chance of perishing giving birth to our baby." I glanced at my ring, glinting in the moonlight.

"How can you be sure?" he questioned.

"They say it runs in families. It is attacking us from both sides." I said simply.

"Aren't you scared?"

"Terrified." I laughed, "But what can I do. I already love my baby, I am going to do the best that I can to live through my pregnancy and through the birth. That is all I can do,"

"Well this is going to shock Arthur," I was instantly on my guard.

"Merlin, you cannot tell him,"

"Why not?" He moaned, "I never get to deliver good news!"

"This is hardly good news, I heard about 'Code Lavender'."

"I don't know what you are talking about," he said defensively, suddenly looking suspicious.

"8 guards? 8! My god I am glad that Arthur does not know I am with child."

"Count yourself lucky, before I spoke to him, it was 12 guards and a rabbit's foot around your neck," I spluttered.

"If anything that proves my point! I love Arthur but he can be a...a..." I was trying to think of the word.

"Clot pole?" Merlin suggested.

"Yes! A clot pole, but I miss him,"

"Gwen, you don't have anything to worry about. Arthur is a killing machine; he's going to be fine!"

"I am asking you as your Queen, as a Woman and most importantly; as your friend. You cannot tell him, I have already threatened the public with treason. It cannot be one rule for them and another for you. I am sorry."

"Fine, but if Arthur grills me then we are both screwed." Merlin smiled. "Are you okay Gwen? Not pregnancy, it cannot be easy on you being here on your own,"

"It is my cross to bear. It is very lonely, but when Arthur is back home, it will all be worth it," I smiled at Merlin's relaxed figure. "How long can you stay?"

"Tomorrow, I must leave." I gasped.

"Tomorrow? That is no time at all. You should go and see Gaius. I am sure he will want to see you,"

"I will, but My Lady before I go, I have something to give you,"

"It's not a broom is it?" I asked, he laughed. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a large piece of parchment. I held my breath, "this was the reason I came. He wrote you a letter," He handed it to me; on the front it said _'Guinevere, My Queen' _.I smiled.

"Thank you Merlin." I looked up at him.

"I'll leave you alone, sleep well," With that Merlin disappeared in a puff of smoke.

I stared at the letter, it was word from Arthur and I wondered if I dared open it. I carefully sliced open the wax seal and opened the letter.

_My Darling Guinevere,_

_Well if Merlin remembered to give this to you, then that's one step further than I thought he would get. Honestly, I think I preferred him as a pushy servant, I fear 'High sorcerer of Camelot' has gotten to his head. _

_We have been here for a few days, the food is terrible, and it is awfully cold and I am terribly uncomfortable. Times like this is when I wish that you were here, so then I would get a half decent meal. We can all catch chickens from a thousand paces, but not many of us know how to cook them...I miss you. _

_There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about you. Every decision I make, I wonder if you would agree with me. The simplest of things I become distracted by, anything that reminds me of you hurts, because I love you so much. I have complete faith in you, and I trust the second most prized possession in your care. Camelot, being my second, you are my most prized possession, and I want you to remember that. I have never loved another and never will. _

_It hurts to be away from you now, but I look forward to the time when we can meet again. I trust you are now feeling well, apart from the shoddy conditions, I am just dandy. Merlin is a calming presence and surprisingly, I am glad to have him here with me. Just don't tell him that, he will never let me hear the end of it. _

_I love you, I miss you and I hope you are well. _

_Love you _

_Arthur_

_X_

Wow, I wiped away the tears from my eyes, I had not realised how it would affect me. I had not heard from him in weeks, and this piece of contact made me realise how much I missed him. I wanted him to come home. He puts on a brave face, but I hope he isn't doing anything rash. With a final sigh, I took up a quill and began to write my reply...

**AGAGAGAGAG**

**1 week later...battle camp**

"Merlin, thank the gods you are back. Have you any news? Is Guinevere ok? How's Camelot? Are the people being nice to Gwen?" The king stood up, waiting eagerly for news of home.

"ARTHUR!" Merlin shouted, wiping the rain away from his sodden face as he entered the King's tent.

"Yes?"

"Camelot is still standing, Gwen is doing a fantastic job, as far as I can tell everybody treats Gwen the way they should," The young warlock sighed, flopping down into the nearest chair.

"Is she Okay? Is Guinevere okay? Merlin!" the King grabbed the sorcerer by the scruff of the neck, "is my wife alright?"

"Put me down, Gwen is fine. But there is one thing," The king dropped him.

"What is it?" he ran his fingers through his hair.

"You're not going to believe this...She said I couldn't tell you. She didn't say anything about _showing _you,"

"Showing me what?" The King was concerned, as the young warlock conjured an invisible like orb, it transformed into a video link. The King gasped as he saw his wife.

"Is she?" he tried to touch the apparition, it faded away.

"Yep," Merlin grinned...


	5. Chapter 5

_**Okay guys, I know you must all hate me, i haven't uploaded anything for a very long time...but, here is the next instalment, please review, if you can **_____

**AGAGAGAGAG**

"By the God's Gwen has gotten fat," Arthur frowned as he walked towards the apparition of his wife.

"Yeah, I mean what?" Merlin gasped, Arthur couldn't possibly be that stupid, could he. I mean he had seen a pregnant woman before.

"She has bigger boobs that I can tell, but that comes with the consequences of getting a bigger stomach," He pointed, the apparition of Guinevere just frowned, and disappeared into thin air.

"You haven't seen your wife for a month and you already pissed her off. And Me. Here is a letter from her." Merlin threw the letter at his friend. "You can be such an idiot sometimes Arthur Pendragon." And with that Merlin swept from the tent.

"Don't be such a woman Merlin!" Arthur yelled, picking up the letter, written in his wife's elegant script. _'Arthur Pendragon'._ I opened the wax seal, which held the Pendragon crest on it.

_My most Darling Husband,  
Well who knew that Merlin would ever come in useful. I almost did not recognise him when I saw him for the first time. Get him to shave that god awful beard off of his face. I never did like a man with facial hair. And since I am not there to pester you to shave your own, I believe you are growing one too. As long as it is gone by the time I see you next, then I honestly couldn't care less. _

_I miss you too, and I find it difficult to confide in anybody. I trust Leah but she has her own difficulties to bear, and the other nobility are just looking for ways to bring me down, but I am not going to let them get to me. _

_Merlin suggested getting a dog, a golden retriever, said they remind him of you. A handsome exterior but not necessarily the best of the brains...Focus on the positive, Merlin thinks you are handsome. I will look into the dog. _

_Camelot is doing fine, and just out of curiosity, if I am your first most prized possession, and Camelot your second, then what is your third? Is it Merlin? You can tell me you know I'm your wife; I won't tell anybody. Like I didn't tell anybody you cried when you burned your hand on your sword one particularly hot day..._

_I love you, I miss you and finish that war and come home to us. Please. _

_Forever yours_

_Guinevere Pendragon_

_X_

Arthur couldn't help but laugh as he rubbed his chin underneath his growing beard. He liked facial hair, and he was going to keep it like that until he returned home. He would have to have a word with Merlin about comparing him to dog, even if it was a handsome one. He also didn't like the fact that his wife knew him so well, knowing that Merlin was his third most prized possession. But she could also be his blackmailer. She had stuff on him, like he has hay fever in the summer months. And with that thought He picked up his mini portrait of Guinevere and began to pen his reply.

"Who's there?" Merlin asked as he stopped by the main path that led towards Camelot and all the Kingdoms beyond. There was a large brown horse with a woman sitting atop of it. She paused as she looked down at the man.

"Hello Merlin. I would get down, but I want to be out of the battlefield in the next couple of hours," The young Witch smirked.

"Hello Morgana, where are you going?"Merlin demanded. She merely scoffed at the powerful warlock.

"You know where I am going. She needs me." She said simply.

"And it's taken you two years to get to her,"

"I was there on her wedding. It was too dangerous for me to stick around. Arthur had only just become King and he still hates me, what I am." She patted her horse's neck affectionately as she reluctantly and slowly stepped down from her horse, eye level with Merlin.

"Morgana that is the most ridiculous thing. He knows that I am a warlock and whilst he was apprehensive at first, here I am two years later, high sorcerer of Camelot and personal advisor." He leant against a tree.

"You're a sorcerer? Why am I not surprised? Merlin, I had a dream. I don't know how or why but somebody is going to try to capture Camelot," Morgana whispered to her friend. Merlin's eyes widened.

"What? When?"

"I had a vision of Gwen, heavily pregnant fighting off two men with swords. In her Chambers...This can't be good can it?" Morgana bit her nails nervously.

"Probably not. How far along was Gwen in your vision?" Merlin ran his fingers through his hair.

"At least 8 months. She was HUGE!" She laughed.

"Well that leaves 4 months." Merlin thought out loud.

"Merlin, I am going to ask you something really selfish. When this happens, I want you to be there, to protect Gwen. I will probably be dead and she is the Queen. Carrying the heir to the Throne. Promise me Merlin," She gripped his hands. They looked at each other for a while.

"I promise Morgana. I will be there." And with that Morgana disappeared, as did her horse. Impressive. Merlin leant against the tree for a while until he heard the most annoying sound in the world.

"MERLIN! COME AND POLISH MY ARMOUR!" Merlin sighed and returned to his friend, but thinking of the one who was too far away for him to help.

**AGAGAGAGAG**

"What am I going to call you puppy?" I smiled, looking at the beautiful golden puppy in my hands, eyes wide and panting. He was so pretty. Like a brilliant sun ray, floppy ears. He barked excitedly.

"Leodegrance? It's long but you could call him Leo for short?" Leon asked, he had taken a shine to the puppy too.

"What about Pendragon...Pen for short?" There was a loud bark and we both looked down to the big ball of gold. "Pen?" He barked again.

"I guess we have a name. Come on My Lady lets go for a walk, show the new member of the royal family his home." Leon smiled.

"Let us go." I laughed, as Pen fell free of my grip and ran on the floor. Leon offered his hand and I took it as he heaved me upwards. I frowned I frustration. I could no longer get up on my own. The baby was growing very fast. And I was beginning to get irritated.

"My Lady you are blooming." Leon smiled, and I took the leather lead that he had attached to Pen.

"You have to say that I am the Queen. At least I am not getting sick in the mornings anymore." He opened the door to my chambers and we descended downstairs. Pen was taking in his surroundings and there was not a single courtier who did not at least smile when the puppy saw them. He brought joy to everybody who saw him. I gripped the lead, and laughed as he tried to escape.

But the temptation was far too great for the small thing, as soon as he got down to the steps that led down to the courtyard. He ran to quickly causing me to stagger a little as I let go of the lead. He toppled down the stairs, before running towards a group of pigeons. Leon helped me down the stairs before running after the over excited puppy. He ran around in circles chasing his lead. I laughed fondly.

"Hello My Lady," A voice behind me said. I frowned in confusion, though still amused I turned around to the voice, I clutched my heart.

"Lancelot. What are you doing here?" I sighed, giving him a hug. I had not seen him for nearly 6 years; he still looked the same as when he had left me in that god awful forest.

"I have been trying to make myself worthy of knowing you. I know you are married, I just thought you might be lonely. What with Morgana gone and Arthur fighting. I thought you wanted a friend is all," He gripped my hands.

"Lancelot, you should have come back long ago. I know Merlin would have been dying to see you. You are a close friend." I laughed. "We have both moved on," I gestured towards my wedding ring.

"Indeed. You are blooming," I narrowed my eyes. "I am happy for you and Arthur,"

"Why does everybody keep saying that? I am tired of that!" I put one of my hands on top of my visible bump.

"Because it is true," Owain laughed. "Who's your friend?"

"Lancelot is a friend of mine. A very dear friend. He is to be reinstated as a Knight tomorrow morning." I smiled; Owain was holding Pen, who was licking him happily.

"Gwen, you don't have to do that," Lancelot mumbled.

"I have not forgotten you saved my life once before. You deserve this," I smiled. Laughing as I picked up the puppy from Owain's arms. I found myself walking with Lancelot to the Throne room.

Leon, Owain and Galahad exchanged awkward glances with each other before trailing after the young Queen.

**AGAGAGAGAG**

The party was in full swing. Lancelot's reinstatement as a Knight of Camelot had brought the party into full swing, and he had a wide choice of women to choose from yet he had yet to pick one. Leon, Owain and Galahad had escorted the Queen and her puppy back to her chambers. The Dog had not left his mistress's side since he had been introduced to her only yesterday morning.

Guinevere had allowed the dog to sleep next to her last night. Perhaps as a way to fill the void left behind from her husband. Pen did look like Arthur, it was the hair, and the way he followed Gwen around like a lost puppy; except he wasn't lost. He was in love with Guinevere and vice versa. She never went anywhere without Pen any more.

"Good Night gentlemen. I shall see you tomorrow. Remember Lancelot is part of the guard as of tomorrow also." Guinevere Yawned. The three Knights bowed as she disappeared from view with her maid and dog.

"Come on guys, we need to talk," Leon said, leading the two solemn looking guards towards his personal chambers. They could have easily returned to the festivities but none of the Knights felt like partying until dawn.

Leon's chambers were bigger than most of the Knight's quarters, not as big as Arthur's old ones, but bigger than if not the same as Morgana's old ones. He had several parts of Armour strewn on his dining table as well as the documents he was now in charge of under the King's absence. He had taken on a lot of extra responsibility since Arthur's departure. Part of him wanted to go with the King, but he knew only the best were left to look after his Queen, who he had fought for in secret because nobody was allowed to know about them.

"Take a seat," And each sat down at Leon's table. All sharing the same look of contempt and confusion though nobody had uttered the subject title since his arrival.

"What do we do Leon?" Galahad asked, relaxing back in his chair.

"Arthur told us to contact him if he returned in his absence. He didn't actually think he would though," Owain sighed.

"The Queen is so happy now. We could tell how lonely she was before Lancelot came back. Now even though it had been a day, there is a definite difference. Everybody can tell," Galahad drummed his fingers on his arms.

"It could have been Pen, she dotes on that dog." Leon reasoned. "She already has a place for him on her bed,"

"What if she makes room for another man?" Owain muttered.

"That is treason," Galahad said matter of factly.

"WE were all thinking it. Arthur told us to be wary of him. That he and the Queen had history."

"But she is pregnant now. You don't honestly expect her to entertain another man whilst carrying the King's child, do you?" Galahad struggled to keep his voice even.

"It comes down to two things. We report his return to the King, he orders Lancelot to come to the Front line and Gwen returns to her depressed state. Or we keep quiet and the Queen remains happy. We intervene if we suspect Lancelot has tried to make a move on the Queen," Leon sighed, burying his head in his hands.

"Gwen would never betray Arthur. She loves him," Galahad, "I think we should keep quiet,"

"I think we should report him," Owain said, He looked at Leon, "It's up to you Leon. What do you want to do?"

Leon looked at both of his friends, trying to think of a solution that would suit them both. What was he going to do?


End file.
